*This was written on an airplane trip, at around 1am*
I can't believe that it's come to this. I'm driven to desperation, so filled with the need to write that I'm scribbling on a throwup bag I found, as promised, in the seat pocket in front of me. I've forgotten my journal on this airplane trip, for the first time in as long as I can remember. I've never, to my memory, been so filled with desperation to write before. I actually feel it as a physical pressure in my chest, building up and I needed to get something, anything, out of me and onto paper. I feel like my mind's going nonstop with wanting things. The sheer mass of my wanting surprises even me. I want to write music, I want to write articles, and I want to write about sports. I want to be smart and sexy and talented and at the top of my game. I want to be sweet. I want to tap into the pure, positive power that I have inside of me and let it shine and fill the world with its goodness. I want to be socially aware, and active and I want and want and want so much that I feel close to bursting with it. I want to reach out and fully touch, grasp, and hold the glowing light that is my curious life force in this world. I want to understand it, and not be afraid to be passionate. Passion without fear. I want to be great and humble at the same time. I want to be close to G-d. I want to be close to humans. I want to be good and make upright honest just decisions. I want to be fair. I want to promote fairness. I want to make a difference, I want to find somebody who loves me and I want to achieve. I want to Be, in every sense of the word.
The above was written as the schoolyear was beginning, me full of optimism and hope and drive. Why do those feelings fade with the daily grind of school life, of real life? In light of the nitty gritty details of reality this post seems foolish, almost naive. And yet, I truly don't believe it has to be that way. I'd like to find a way to embrace and generate this type of feeling more often. Because honestly, I'm much too young to be this cynical.
5 comments:
Passion without fear.
We need more of this in the world.
Don't label yourself as naive, don't brand your desires as unattainable. Live in the "real" world, but keep pushing beyond.
We're all too young to be this cynical.
Passions fade..
But at least you put them to paper so that you can re-visit and re-confirm...
I hear you. I want so much, too. Something I'm constantly learning - don't be afraid to be yourself.
Someone told me today that she went on a program where she was able to let go and completely be herself - and she really liked who she was then and with those people. When she came back to school, she wanted to bring that person with her, but she found it to be difficult, because she is so used to feeling somewhat repressed. I think we all are. The challenge is to un-learn to repress our true natures, I think.
I feel like you took so many words out of my mouth. I love it.
I think this is something buried in every human. You get to be more in touch with - or less - depending on how secure and relaxed you feel, I think. And also depending on how much time you have to dedicate to thoughts this pure and non-mundane.
I think you are most in touch with this curiosity and wanting when you are either at home in your parents' house, or on vacation...when your mind isn't knitted up in the how-am-i-going-to-get-everything-done, when-do-i-need-to-wake-up etc. details that obscure it.
but you do find moments - flashes - during even the dullest of days that stir this part of you. and that has to be your mission: to find them. to notice them. maybe even record them when you can.
other people don't even know this side of them - or the world -exists. but you do. you must nurture it and keep it alive, because that's who you are. not what other people think, or what you worry they think. that. what you've written on the paper.
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