Good on Paper

Sometimes I feel like I want too much.

On this latest slew of dates and non-dates, I’ve discovered a couple of things: 1) I’m good at making boys like me on dates. 2) Apparently I’m “interesting” and 3) I don’t think the shidduch system will work for me.

There are things that I want and think I need in a potential partner. These things are not things that are generally listed on paper, nor are they necessarily quantifiable. Does that mean that they’re not valid? I keep rejecting “nice” young men (that sounds like I’ve rejected a million. Really only a few, I promise). And it’s hard. Because no one wants to reject or hurt someone nice. We all were brought up to believe that nice people deserve nice things, and insofar as we can make that happen, we should. And this “being cruel to be kind” crap doesn’t cut it. It stinks to hurt nice people, even if it is better in the long run.

And perhaps the most painful part of the whole damn thing is that because they’re nice, there’s really no concrete reason you can give to why they won’t work. There’s a range of reason that people give: There’s no chemistry, there’s something not clicking, there’s a disconnect, I don’t see a future…These are all really code for, “I have no quantifiable reason other than the fact that I know, deep down in my bones, that it will never ever work in the long run with this person, and we will never make each other happy.” The shidduch system doesn’t really lend itself well to explanations that involve instinctive knowledge.

I know what I wanted. I thought I knew what I needed. But in the recent past I’ve come to reconsider some elements. I’ve found out that I need someone who I can’t boss around, who is my intellectual equal, but will still respect me and my opinions even he thinks that I’m wrong, and manages to prove it. This is just one quality among a few that I’m looking for. That’s a three dimensional quality.

But I don’t know how much of this is quantifiable on a resume (or on a profile). And I don’t know if I can survive in a system that works by what looks good on paper.

Paper is only two dimensional.